Jon Furniss

Over the past week I have gotten four hits from someone typing in some search engine “How to hang out by yourself.” So I am going to oblige you crazy websearchers with a How-to on hanging out with yourself.

The first and most important thing about hanging out by yourself is making sure that no one else is around. Now, this may seem like common sense, but there have been many a night when I had planned on hanging out alone and then someone else shows up, or makes me come out and ruins the whole thing. So it is definitely an important first step. Things I recommend to help accomplish this are to lock all your doors and windows and close your blinds, turn off your phone, or at the very least don’t accept phone calls, text messages and AIM conversations are alright, but definitely not preferable for a night alone.

The second step is to decide why you’re going to hang out with yourself (This may actually be the first step, I’m not really sure, I haven’t thought this through as much as I should have). Is it because you are alone and no one loves you and wants to see you? Is it because you just want to sit at home and sulk about how terrible your life is? Is it because you’re just tired and need a chance to rest and relax? Is it because you have to get things done? Is it because you hate the human race and don’t want to see any of them ever again? These are all things to consider when you are deciding why you are hanging out alone. There may be a different reason than the ones listed, but don’t worry about that, let your brain run wild as you decide why you will be alone.

The third step is to decide what you are going to do with yourself. If you are a fun, exciting, and life-of-the-party type person (much unlike myself) that you will probably find it easy to decide what to do, but you will also probably not be at home alone hanging out with yourself. I always recommend watching a movie, because unless you get the wrong movie, you can’t go wrong with a movie. (This does not apply to those of you hanging out by yourself to get stuff done, stop procrastinating already!) If you’re sad and want to stay sad watch a sad movie. If you’re sad and want to become happy then watch a comedy and begrudingly laugh like you always did when people made you happy when you were sad no matter how miserable you wanted to prove to them that you could be. If you hate everyone and want to destroy everybody watch an apocolyptic type movie and enjoy the fact that 99.9% of the human race just got wiped out. If the main character is not as stupid as everyone else, you can put yourself in their place!

Another fun thing to do alone is to read. Many people do not agree with me and think that reading is outdated and boring. But I am definitely boring, and outdated by anyone who has been on more than two dates in the last 8 months. But seriously pick up a book, there’s lots of good ones out there, and lots of bad ones, and depending on your tastes you can really enjoy yourself. If you want to dream about the future, check out some science fiction. If you want to dream about stuff that could never possibly happen, then read fantasy. If you want to touch yourself, read a trashy romance novel. If you want to dream about real love, read some love poems. If you want to get depressed, read some history and watch how it repeats itself over and over again.

Another fun thing to do alone is drink. Nothing beats depression like a good glass of scotch. Once you’ve had enough you can entertain yourself by ordering multiple types of food to be delivered to your neighbors house and watch what all the delivery boys/girls and your neighbors do when they all get there. It’s not something I’ve ever tried, but that’s because I am a pansy. I also assume that this would be a lot of fun sober, so if you forgot the scotch, you can still keep yourself occupied for a bit.

Write. Writing is a great stress reliever, as long as you don’t have to do it. So if you don’t have any papers or anything like that due, then just write for a bit. Or more than a bit. If you don’t have any reason to write you won’t usually have writer’s block, so go for it. It also doesn’t matter what you write. Write for yourself, it can be complete nonsense. It can even be you just hitting the keys like an untrained monkey, that sometimes relieves more stress than punching stuff, but rarely.

Play with stuff. Whether it be with yourself, or video games, or toys. Sometimes when I’m bored, all alone, with nothing to do I play with myself. And by that, I mean that I take out my Legos and build something. A fun game I like to play is that I take out a handful of legos and just build whatever I can with it. I then make a city of little random things that can fit in my hands. Then I remember that I am almost 20 and completely enjoy destroying them (except for the really cool ones) and put them away.

There are countless more things you can do while hanging out by yourself, the possibilities are endless. But just remember that every once in a while outside human contact is necessary, and sometimes even enjoyable. So if anyone wants to go on a date with me, let me know.

**EDIT: In the nine or so hours since I posted this I’ve gotten three hits from “hanging yourself,” which seems to be more popular than hanging out by yourself. Seriously though, don’t kill yourself, watch a sad movie and deliver food to your neighbor’s house.**