Jon Furniss

Last night I had a dream involving Transformers, Power Rangers, and my co-workers at Best Buy as the cast. It was transformers because Optimus Prime was there (and he was in cartoon from the outside, but not from the inside), it was Power Rangers because instead of him actually being Optimus Prime he was a giant Power Rangers robot that we could get in. And I wasn’t in the dream, I was the omniscient third person, floating around, like in edit mode in Forge in Halo 3. I don’t know what the evil was that they were fighting, but I’m sure it was evil. It was a monster of sorts. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the Cloverfield monster. I will probably get sued for having this dream because of all the copyright infringement. But I welcome lawsuits, because even though I cannot afford it, it would mix up my life and make things interesting, and I’d have to get a lawyer, and I could go around saying, “I have a lawyer!” But he probably wouldn’t be a very good lawyer because I don’t have any money.

Did you know that I never proof read anything? Because I don’t. Sometimes I do, by accident when I’m scrolling back through things I’ve written and I’ll correct a typo from three years ago. Maybe if I proofread and revised and such people would give me money for words.

On that note, if anyone likes to pay people who like to string words together sometimes with a direction and sometimes without it, let me know.

I want to date a vegetarian. She probably has brown hair, but sometimes it can be red or blonde. She is also smarter than me, cares about the world, and will change my worldview at least a little bit. She will make me a vegetarian too and I will cook for her delicious foods that don’t involve dead animals. She also has a loft apartment somewhere and makes more money than me. We’ll have sleepovers and dance on her hardwood floor to music that I’ve never heard of before, but that is fantastic. We will also travel to at least one foreign country every six months.

I need to start making goals for myself again. After I failed them in the past I kind of just gave up on myself. But today I learned in one of my classes that motivation is from the inside, so I figure if I’m ever going to do anything I have to get myself to want to do that. Unfortunately I’m a very hard person to convince to do anything, so I could use any help I can get. So does anyone want to give me goals? I also want to schedule my life, so I know what I’m doing. I am constantly running out of time. If anyone wants to schedule my life, here are the things that I have scheduled right now, so let me know what to do:

Sunday morning - church

Monday - Leave for school at 7:20ish, get home at 12:20ish. Work from 2-10ish.

Tuesday - Nothing in the morning, although I have lots of stuff that I need to get done. Work from 2-10ish.

Wednesday - Same as Monday.

Thursay - Same as Tuesday.

Friday - Same as Monday and Wednesday.

Saturday - nothing

The things I need to get done: Make lots of phone calls for a business venture I am currently somewhat slightly involved in. Writing stuff that maybe I can eventually get published some day or something. Bettering myself as a human being (working out, reading, learning to cook).  Watching lots of TV and movies.

Last night I received you are a little bit happier than i am

Over the past week I have gotten four hits from someone typing in some search engine “How to hang out by yourself.” So I am going to oblige you crazy websearchers with a How-to on hanging out with yourself.

The first and most important thing about hanging out by yourself is making sure that no one else is around. Now, this may seem like common sense, but there have been many a night when I had planned on hanging out alone and then someone else shows up, or makes me come out and ruins the whole thing. So it is definitely an important first step. Things I recommend to help accomplish this are to lock all your doors and windows and close your blinds, turn off your phone, or at the very least don’t accept phone calls, text messages and AIM conversations are alright, but definitely not preferable for a night alone.

The second step is to decide why you’re going to hang out with yourself (This may actually be the first step, I’m not really sure, I haven’t thought this through as much as I should have). Is it because you are alone and no one loves you and wants to see you? Is it because you just want to sit at home and sulk about how terrible your life is? Is it because you’re just tired and need a chance to rest and relax? Is it because you have to get things done? Is it because you hate the human race and don’t want to see any of them ever again? These are all things to consider when you are deciding why you are hanging out alone. There may be a different reason than the ones listed, but don’t worry about that, let your brain run wild as you decide why you will be alone.

The third step is to decide what you are going to do with yourself. If you are a fun, exciting, and life-of-the-party type person (much unlike myself) that you will probably find it easy to decide what to do, but you will also probably not be at home alone hanging out with yourself. I always recommend watching a movie, because unless you get the wrong movie, you can’t go wrong with a movie. (This does not apply to those of you hanging out by yourself to get stuff done, stop procrastinating already!) If you’re sad and want to stay sad watch a sad movie. If you’re sad and want to become happy then watch a comedy and begrudingly laugh like you always did when people made you happy when you were sad no matter how miserable you wanted to prove to them that you could be. If you hate everyone and want to destroy everybody watch an apocolyptic type movie and enjoy the fact that 99.9% of the human race just got wiped out. If the main character is not as stupid as everyone else, you can put yourself in their place!

Another fun thing to do alone is to read. Many people do not agree with me and think that reading is outdated and boring. But I am definitely boring, and outdated by anyone who has been on more than two dates in the last 8 months. But seriously pick up a book, there’s lots of good ones out there, and lots of bad ones, and depending on your tastes you can really enjoy yourself. If you want to dream about the future, check out some science fiction. If you want to dream about stuff that could never possibly happen, then read fantasy. If you want to touch yourself, read a trashy romance novel. If you want to dream about real love, read some love poems. If you want to get depressed, read some history and watch how it repeats itself over and over again.

Another fun thing to do alone is drink. Nothing beats depression like a good glass of scotch. Once you’ve had enough you can entertain yourself by ordering multiple types of food to be delivered to your neighbors house and watch what all the delivery boys/girls and your neighbors do when they all get there. It’s not something I’ve ever tried, but that’s because I am a pansy. I also assume that this would be a lot of fun sober, so if you forgot the scotch, you can still keep yourself occupied for a bit.

Write. Writing is a great stress reliever, as long as you don’t have to do it. So if you don’t have any papers or anything like that due, then just write for a bit. Or more than a bit. If you don’t have any reason to write you won’t usually have writer’s block, so go for it. It also doesn’t matter what you write. Write for yourself, it can be complete nonsense. It can even be you just hitting the keys like an untrained monkey, that sometimes relieves more stress than punching stuff, but rarely.

Play with stuff. Whether it be with yourself, or video games, or toys. Sometimes when I’m bored, all alone, with nothing to do I play with myself. And by that, I mean that I take out my Legos and build something. A fun game I like to play is that I take out a handful of legos and just build whatever I can with it. I then make a city of little random things that can fit in my hands. Then I remember that I am almost 20 and completely enjoy destroying them (except for the really cool ones) and put them away.

There are countless more things you can do while hanging out by yourself, the possibilities are endless. But just remember that every once in a while outside human contact is necessary, and sometimes even enjoyable. So if anyone wants to go on a date with me, let me know.

**EDIT: In the nine or so hours since I posted this I’ve gotten three hits from “hanging yourself,” which seems to be more popular than hanging out by yourself. Seriously though, don’t kill yourself, watch a sad movie and deliver food to your neighbor’s house.**

ingredientx.com

I miss spooning.

I haven’t had a good spoon in months, and it’s pretty depressing. There’s not much that I like more than spooning… One of them probably being the events that can transpire in the pre-spooning time period.

Something else I’ve always wanted to do is spork. The way you do that is you both spike up your hair before getting in that comfortably curved position. I know that that doesn’t sound too interesting, but the feeling of lying down with gel in your hair is weird enough that I think adding a spooning environment would definitely make it pretty cool.

Now, some images that relate to spooning:

There are not very many good pictures of spooning on the internet.

I need someone to spoon with me and then we can photograph it nicely and save the world, and such.

In conclusion:

And in conclusion to the conclusion, I know they’re not spooning. But I heart xkcd so suck it.

Seriously.

I’m going to preface this by saying I don’t know if this is actually part one of a series on why I might be single, or if this is the only part.  But I liked the title better with the Part I, so there’s that.

Before I begin with my (in my opinion) well thought out and more than subjective theories, here are the responses when I asked some friends out of the blue: “quick, i need a theory on why i am single: go!”

First: “umm you doubt yourself a lot?” My favorite part about this one (besides it being true) is the question mark at the end, the irony made me smile. =)

Second: “Maybe girls are intimidated by the amount of passion that you have. Because, from what I’ve noticed, you’re pretty damn passionate. ” This was interesting, and not something that I was really expecting, and I’m not even really sure what to say about it, but yeah.

Third:  “no one’s good enough for you” This one I didn’t like too much because I thought it was too much of a suck-up answer, but just for the sake of truthiness I included it anyway.

Fourth: “you are balancing student life with job life and trying to figure out who you are in this universe and what role you plan on taking, if any in society.  and you think it is unwise to get a girl friend at this point until you are more secure with yourself and the life you lead” However untrue that is, I thought it was very thought out, and an interesting attempt at trying to take things from my point of view.

Fifth: “the problem is you dont have many gorillas” FurnissLovesYou : please specify
“well the way i see it, no girl out there would turn down a guy soley because he owns some gorillas
but there MIGHT be some who, if they found out you owned gorillas, could swing your way.  it could be the one thing you need to push you above the rest of the single guys out there. worst case scenario, the girls are indifferent to the gorillas. you don’t have anything to lose, really.” You can guess out of all the responses which one the one guy who I asked was. I don’t even think that I need to comment…

Sixth: “i don’t know why you are single. i think it’s because you don’t put yourself out there” My response: “I’m going to get one of those sheets of paper with the tabs at the bottom and put my phone number on it.” On a more serious note, she was right, and yeah, I’ll get to that later I think.

So now things from my point of view:

I think the first reason that I am single is my lack of a social life. I mean, I have some friends, and we hang out somewhat often. But, firstly, none of those friends seem to know any girls who would be interested in me, or who they think I would be interested in. And then when we do hang out and whatnot, it’s highly unlikely that we end up anywhere that I could possibly meet anyone, as it’s usually just at people’s houses or at restaurants sequestered away at some table, and if there’s a cute waitress I found out then even when I’m drunk I’m too shy to talk to her… But yeah, that’s part one.

Secondly goes to what I said about the waitress, I am way too shy. I don’t know why, I don’t know how to change it, but I miss opportunities every day because I just can’t get any words past my tongue. The second problem is that any girls who I’d like would be girls who would like me right now, and I’m pretty sure that if I could broach my shyness and go talk to some girl out of the middle of nowhere that I was interested in, it would be a turn off for her. And if I didn’t scare her away like that, then she would probably be someone who I wouldn’t end up liking anyway. But then if somehow things did work out that leads me to my third theory, so…

Thirdly,  I am awkward. I cannot carry on a conversation for my life. I also never know what to say, how to say it, or when to say it. And well, that pretty much says it. It just doesn’t really help at all. I also trip on stuff sometimes.

So that concludes Part I of Theories on Why I am Single, tune in next time for the possibility of a next one.